Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
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