everyone is single if you try hard enough
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
