the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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