My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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