Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
