A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
