He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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