No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
