My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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