If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
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Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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