I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
