....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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