I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
