hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
