just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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