the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
