Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize