you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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