I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
