So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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