Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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