My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I cut my penus on the lid.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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