I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
