I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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