fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
