You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
