Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
