I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
