it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
