how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
