I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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