i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
