Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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