I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
