Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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