I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
