Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
