Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
