Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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