I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
