I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
