I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
