This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
