Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Someone came in the potted fern
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
