i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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