I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
