Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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