Four minutes until I can fart!
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
