I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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