I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
