12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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