I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
