I accidentally had phone sex last night
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
