Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
