i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
