Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It's official drugs can't kill me
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
