There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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