My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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