I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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